mcsweeny's more junk food for the internet obsessed. the funniest lists:

What Not to Be in the Middle of When the Earthquake Comes.
BY CHARLIE HOPPER
- - - -
A bridge
LASIK eye surgery
An embarrassing confession
Any place where you're the only one available to save a bunch of people
Picking your nose, because the quaking will make you poke your nostril lining and you will have to explain to everyone why you have a bloody nose
An expensive high
3-D IMAX movie about earthquakes

Really Boring Books for Children.
BY MELISSA BELL
- - - -
Springtime? Taxtime!
The New Drapes
Let's All Have a Bottle of Water!
The Two Weeks After Christmas
Staring at Your Shoes and Other Games
The Big Book of Paper Clips
One Wall, Two Walls, Three Walls, Four!
Mom Folds the Towels and Then Puts Them Away
B Is for Beige
The Long Drive to the Small Town to Visit Childless Relatives
Sally Finds a Stick

Most Common Recurring Dreams of the Cicada.
BY TRACY MOLLER- - - -
Digging and digging to surface, but never emerging
Mating with one's own mother
Being eaten by dog or other yard animal
Never-ending fall from tree as a nymph
Stuck in shell midmolt
Emerge from ground, only to realize that it's not the right year
Not knowing the song
Being chased by lawn mower
Slowly drowning in swimming-pool skimmer basket
Being captured and placed in mayonnaise jar with handful of torn grass, twig, and cup of water
Being captured and placed in same jar as above, only without air holes punched in jar lid
Uncomfortable extended existential conversation with one's own shell
Late for spawn—all the hot cicadas are taken
Mandibles loose and/or falling off
and, most common:
That one where you're flying